Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

best first i’ve ever seen

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.