Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

😭😭

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

sign of the times 🖊

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.