Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN