Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.