Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.