Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.