Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?