Horrifying if literal: a handbag
You Might Also Like
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”