Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:鈥nd a weakness?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Meow
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it鈥檚 packed. Husband says we鈥檒l just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he鈥檚 doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
When you鈥檙e on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That鈥檚 the moment you wish you had kids.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you鈥檙e trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?