Horrifying if literal: a handbag

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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.


Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.


[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.




M: What?


Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”


Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything


My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.


If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them


If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!


Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.