@Darlainky

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

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@JimmerThatisAll

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

@TheAlexNevil

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@Tmoney68

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@MomOnFire

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

@shellenger

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

@SufficientCharm

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

@heyevergreen

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.