Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
tfw you realize …
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Brands during Pride
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Haha! 😂
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop