Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets