Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder