Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My favorite female superhero
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.