Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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