Horrifying if literal: foot locker
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*launders Kohls cash*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
🥲
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
How long do you have to wait between naps?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.