Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
mentally somewhere in italy
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
All excellent questions
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small