Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
A little too much information.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Huge, if true.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
