Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.