Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Facebook Twitter

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go