horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
