horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
See..?
.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired