horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
goldfish mafia
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Jogging
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra