Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it