Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

😂

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.