Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.