Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you