Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

The prophecy is fulfilled

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.