Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.