@nadiabulkin

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

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@RealRebelElle

Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?

The boss: People will just have to use common sense

—And this folks, is how the world ends

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

@Shen_the_Bird

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@Gupton68

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

@sandjoeman

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.