Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?
The boss: People will just have to use common sense
—And this folks, is how the world ends
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat.