Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
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God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?