Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

Doctors texting each other.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

i can’t wait that long

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

Be vigilant

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.