Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids play hide and seek like

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.