Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
No Google it does not
