Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
23. the denim jacket
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
God making man in his image was the original selfie