Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Flowers bee like
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear