Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP