Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
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I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
My hips? Compulsive liars.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it