Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the ocean

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.