Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

My brain is a bad influence on me

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.