Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

crazy

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.