Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*