HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
🙂🐾
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse