Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

omg leave her alone

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

🤣🤣

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Sex so good you see dead people.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.