Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Look at this

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today