Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

could’ve been anyone

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

That earthquake could have been an email.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.