Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.