@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

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@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

@Mr_Kapowski

Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

@form52

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@truegritrumble

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

@Home_Halfway

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

@birbigs

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.