Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*


ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real


Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.


Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.


I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay


if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel


ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.


Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people


At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.