Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I am HOWLING at this
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*pronounces fake like saké*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it