Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!