*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29