horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
