horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
*jazz hands*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins