Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels