Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

😁

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Arrest that man!

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.