He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.