Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends