Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no