Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT