Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.