Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*