Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?