Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

At least my masseuse has my back.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

do what now??

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

If only

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.