Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.