Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.