Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Yup

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go