Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

“We will wed,” I threatened

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…