Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

This kinda thing happens to me often

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.