Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?