@sonictyrant

HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

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@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@Pee_And_Giggles

My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.

@MdUNH

Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@iamdevinwagner

There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital

@Underchilde

All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

@_Tempo11

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.