HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.