Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

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-Librarians arguing

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.