Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
sry
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit