Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

I…do not understand how electricity works.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.